The most embarrassing thing in my life was seeing my naked picture with this man on the internet. When my parents found it on the computer, I cried and said I was cheated and that I didn’t really love that man. Sitting at the table, I begged to be told the answer I already knew, but didn’t want to hear.

There’s a lunch table at our cafeteria I named Arun, and everyone loves him. I have suicidal thoughts almost daily, but I don’t do anything about them because I’ve only got two months left on this internship, and I’m hoping that’s the problem.

When I looked over at him sleeping, half-naked, next to me, my only wish was that he was happy where we were, because I was going no further. When I get angry at myself I have immense patience, and when I run out of patience I lash out with super strength on inanimate objects. When the doctor told me that I had broken my hand, I knew that punching the wall had been a bad idea.

There are many reasons for people to feel out of place and unloved, being gay is just one of them. I was a dark child, my father was very pissed at god for that and since God cannot be fucked with he took it out on me. My mom I have heard was a vivacious young woman who got fucked after marriage because my dad had a problem with sex. I’d like to think that she is the stuck up bitch she is because she is sexually frustrated. They always suspected I am gay, but where I come from most people don’t even know that there are sexual pleasures to be got from the same sex, though there was another world in their midst of sugar daddy’s who lavish gifts on young boys. All this was camouflaged well into the mainstream society. Some of these bastards are mean, they swing both ways and are proud of their virility, and they got this whole I’d fuck anything that moves attitude to sex. So it was not very out of place that this bastard put my picture with him on the net.

I always knew the risk I was taking when I got into the forbidden pleasures that each pore of my skin craved for. I could always lose the façade of normalcy I had built around my parents, it was difficult to maintain but it also made my life easier. But I always felt that I was doing something wrong maintaining a double life. So that day when I sat at the table with my parents to have lunch in the morbid silence, I knew the moment had come which I was waiting for. To end the double life and disappear into the other side of society where sugar daddies and sweet boys have built their own society. I was plotting the favors I would have to pull as my father sucked on the drumstick in the sambar.

I had a college degree and I was a well read and educated man. But I was working in a sweat shop kind of place. It’s called a call-centre; funny thing is that with this setup now I get calls to hustle at the place of work. And people here know about this other world but they are very comfortable ignoring what spits on their face. So now I am in the same scenario that I was running away from, but now it was institutionalized and I was a slave in both worlds. Things came to perspective when I realized that I will have to work with people who will never hang out with me or allow me to share Arun with them. I have suicidal thoughts almost daily, but I don’t do anything about them because I’ve only got two months left on this internship, and I’m hoping that’s the problem.

When we met for the first time I was so dying for companionship that I would have done anything to hug someone and go to sleep. He was looking for some place to hang out for a few days, running from debtors; he had done some scam with trade. But as days went by I started feeling that he would stay forever, I was happy feeding him taking care of him and the sex was also good, I felt good taking him in. But somewhere I knew I did not love him and try as I might I couldn’t ignore the fact that he was a monster with a cold heart. But like a fool I kept deluding myself, and somewhere inside me my anger against myself was welling up unknown to me.

Then one day what was to happen happened, I rushed back home from work for I had forgotten the keys to the cafeteria at home and the abuses from the rest of the office was still resounding in my head when I realized that he had taken off with most of my clothes, whatever change was there in the house and he had for some perverted reason upset all the food in the house. I felt anger only for myself. I closed everything up and trying to shove all this out of my head for the time being I rushed back to work. By now there were a lot of people milling around the cafeteria. Someone started bitching about me. Another guy started calling me names. When the first guys hit me I don’t know what happened all the anger inside me became a person and I watched calmly as that person broke everything there was in the cafeteria.

So when I stare through the bars of the mental asylum drugged and feeling a pointless euphoria, all I could think of was the doctor tending my fractured fist telling me that it’s a bad idea to punch a wall.