Expecting emotional reciprocity is a mistake? A rigor needs to be constructed to weed out this? Asking all these questions sits an imp whom I don’t recognize anymore and I know all the rigor in the world won’t shake his stubborn resolve to make things hell for me. This imp isn’t that smart. A stranger always by my side, he irks me, he scares me and among other dark deeds he instigates me against her.

 

I trust her but I can’t convince him of this. Again and again he asks me why I am living with a person I can’t trust and saying that I love her doesn’t cut it. I dumb myself and try to not get affected by all this and blindly trust her with the awareness that she loves me irrespective of anything else. But that doesn’t matter because though she loves me her passions has run dry and she seeks passion more than anything else. It makes no difference to her that my passions against all my attempts to restrain it still spreads like wildfire. I am afraid that I will burn with this fire if I don’t answer the imp. I am even more afraid that I will walk away from all this without the strength to sustain, without even an idea of what horrors are in store from then on. I will set out with the imp on a voyage that he needs me to take him on, and I know that on that voyage we will become good friends, we will realize that after all we are friends, we can have fun together and that is a tempting idea. New horizons, new ways to be, new beginnings.

 

But for now the imp sits glaring at me in his corner, impatient and seething with resentment. He is baby-dumb, she sees him better than me and pokes fun of him affectionately, but it’s hard for him to make friends with someone who doesn’t take him seriously. She does not draw him out or engage him in conversations. I have to spend a lot of time with her and he feels ignored and lonely. Poor thing I realized that by now he has reached the end of his tether. We cant talk any more and when I look for him searchingly my gaze does not stay on him long enough, I tend to avert my eyes as soon as I see his glaring stare, piercing into me.

 

He makes me feel guilty and stupid. He makes me feel like a pathetic unreasonable wish addled moron turning away from my reality, which is him, in search of something I never was and never will be. Misplaced optimism can be consummated with a strong belief? Desire can engineer fulfillments with will and sincere effort?

The imp, fact is I love him; he is my other, so I hate him too.  For all my expensive cultur-ation that I have inculcated, no tact or reasoning can consummate our one-ness. The imp and me always a two in one.